Homeless, but not hopeless

Well, if any of you have been keeping up with me via Instagram, Facebook, or here on this bloggy blog, you may know that I was scheduled to move to Arizona last Thursday. 

Well, its Tuesday, and I am still in Utah......

Why you ask? Well, I've been asking myself the same question. 

I made up my mind in May to move to AZ in August. I was in a position where I really didn't feel like I wanted to stay in Utah. I was living in SLC & things didn't seem to be going my way & life was just hard. I was going through the motions & just working to work. So naturally, I was looking for an out. I wanted to take the easy road and just bail. So, Aug 15th I scheduled my move.

The beginning of June I moved in with my best friend Ashley in Provo and things started to look up. I became more social, it was summer time so I was frequenting Seven Peaks & life became so easy. Too easy. I had made up my mind that since I was leaving in 2 months I could just play. 

So that's what I did. Oh boy, did I play. 

I worked less and less, wasted more and more time at the pool & in the midst of all of this I started to lose myself. I realized I wasn't living a real life, and I was ready to just move to AZ and put the pieces of my life together. 

Summer was quickly coming to an end and I started feeling anxious. 

Not ready to leave.

 I was a mess. 

Ask any of my closest friends. an absolute MESS. 

Everyone would say, "Aren't you so excited to move?" & I would fake a smile and say,"Cant wait." 

but I wanted to wait....

My last day of work came and went. and I kept putting off packing. A very good friend of mine came over and we talked about my confusion and he was kind enough to give me a blessing. 

I will not go into details about this blessing. But it was definitely what I needed. 

My plan changed. 

I decided to go to AZ for a short time, check it out, go home to California get some sanity and decide what I wanted to do. 

I was in limbo. my mind was constantly changing throughout the week. 

back and forth. what to do. stay or go.

my head was spinning and my heart was MIA. 

Moving day came. 

Fact of the matter was I needed to be out of my apartment by noon. 

So I packed everything up, put it in my car. 

Had a last meal with my closest friend and said the hardest good bye. 

I then headed to a friends house to drop a few things off and to say good bye. 

And then, I just didn't leave. 

I was homeless and jobless and I didn't know what I wanted or where I was going.

 All I know is my heart had finally surfaced & I didn't leave. 

I don't know what I am still doing in Utah, but whatever it is I feel it will be great. I can't explain how I was feeling as I tried to drive away. I don't expect anyone to understand my decision. 

I am sure many of you think I am crazy (I felt crazy too). 

But I followed my gut & I trusted my heart when it said to stay. 

Dear Utah. 

I'm still here. 

& 

I am ready to party.

thank you to all of those who have dealt with my madness the past few weeks. 

thank you to the Smith family to has housed me so I didn't have to live in my car.

thank you to my perfect family & closest friend who let me figure this out on my own even though you had feelings of doubt. you all know me too well.